Friday, July 21, 2006

Mommy Wars: Part 458 1/2

Linda Hirchman is the retired philosophy professor who got everyone's shorts in a knot by suggesting that it is a VERY BAD THING when educated women give up their careers to become stay-at-home mommies.

This made many stay-at home-mommies and those who support stay-at-home mommies VERY, VERY ANGRY. And thus another shoe was dropped in the mommy wars. One blogger wrote a post on why
"Everybody Hates Linda". Hirchman, a happily married mother of three daughters, responded with a screed of her own. Now everyone is cross with each other.

(As for me, I can only be glad that after having my son and placing him for adoption, I chose not to have any more kids. I couldn't stand living in a world that judges mothering according to a sacrificial code: If your mothering doesn't involve making yourself uncomfortable and unhappy, you are a bad mommy. Period.)

Not that I have a whole lot of use for Hirchman's thesis, either. I agree with her premise that when highly educated, highly accomplished women retreat into stay-at-home mommydom, they play into the hands of those who would keep women barefoot and pregnant. At the same time, I also believe that children do best when their parents are able to focus much of their time and energy on them. But more importantly, I disagree with Hirchman's careerist assumptions: Most people do not derive their primary satisfaction from their jobs. Instead, people use their jobs as a way to make money and thus obtain satisfaction from their families, their relationships, their hobbies, and their communities. The recent trend toward 60+ hour weeks and uber-committment to one's job is largely a cultural phenomenon promoted by employers. It does not reflect the desires of the people.

I would argue that this is true among most of the "best and the brightest" as well: The very women that make up the so-called "Opt-Out" revolution. Even the highly educated and talented realize, I think, that their chances of making a truly lasting mark on the world is slim. They don't want to make the sacrifices that are required to get ahead in most business and law firms. It just isn't all that fun.

But at the same time, I am aware that the people who are the movers and shakers, those who are willing to claw their way to the top, have a huge influence on the world in which we all live. On one hand, I do want to see women as part of this group. On the other hand, I am uncomfortably aware that those who do make it to the top are the very people who were and are willing to ignore the needs of their families, friends, and communities in order to get there. This paradox is unsettling, and, in my opinion, is a much more important issue than whether women who leave the rat-race are doing the right thing.

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